Regret
by wolfpawn
Summary: Imagine you and Loki were once together, but there was a huge misunderstanding and you ended up heartbroken. Feeling awful about the entire situation, you make yourself completely forget about him by erasing every memory you have of him. Now Loki has returned at your door, ready to apologize and make up, but quickly discovers that you have no idea who he is.


Crushed, devastated, utterly heartbroken, none of them even came close to how you felt as you relived time and again what had occurred.

You had been in a loving and fulfilling relationship with a man you loved with all of your heart, you had given him every part of you; body, mind and soul, but it did not last. You were convinced he was everything you would ever want and need, he apparently felt differently. One day, you lay together in your bed, kissing, naked, with your arms around one another after having your fill of each other's lust for a short time, the next, he was gone, with not a word said to you regarding it.

For over a week, you sat, thinking about how he turned away without another word and left you, not looking back. The pain did not subside with time, and with time, comes more and more drastic measures on your behalf to prevent it hurting anymore.

After a month, there is no word from him, and after six weeks, the pain hurt more agonisingly than when it was first inflicted. It was like an infection, the pain only intensified.

It was then that you decided to take action, not wanting to continue in the agony, you were beginning to have dark thoughts and you did not want that, you wanted to forget, but you did not want to go that route. That is how you found yourself standing in the marketplace, looking at a store that to most everyone around you, looked like it was derelict, but you knew different, you had been there before and you knew what it held within it. Walking in, you stood at the counter and waited.

'Well, now. What have we here?' The woman behind the counter queried. You always thought she had the voice of a cat or a snake, low and almost sly.

'I need a potion.'

'I don't do potions for just anyone.' You took off a bracelet and handed it to her. She studied it carefully. 'I see, I knew I knew your face from somewhere. What sort of potion?'

'A memory altering one.'

'For what sort of memory?' She looked at your face as your heartache came to the fore once more. 'Ah, I see. You want to forget him, he who gave you this.' She held up the bracelet.

'Please, I need to live again.' You begged.

She looked like she was going to refuse for a moment, but then she nodded. 'Some wounds are best dealt with in manners that do not scar. Scars remind us of the turmoils we have faced, but some turmoils are too painful to be recalled.' She walked to a cabinet that was empty and closed the doors, there was a glow of red light from the woman's seidr; when she reopened the doors, smoke plumed out and in it, stood one lone vial, the contents clear. She took it out and placed it in front of you. 'When you go home, rid yourself of anything you feel you should, then think about him and weep, get one of those tears and let it drop into this vial, then drink it when you are going to sleep tonight, you will wake tomorrow with no recollection of him.'

'Really?'

'Darling, I am no back alley magic man, I am the real deal.'

'Of course, I did not mean to imply you were….' You state quickly.

'Honey, if I thought you did, you would be turned into a small prey animal by now. Take your potion and rid yourself of that of which you cannot bear to think about. But remember, once you take this, you cannot remember him, no matter what.'

'I don't want to remember him, I need to forget.'

'Then you have your instructions.' The woman stated. 'And farewell.' You frowned. 'Your memories of me only come from knowing him, without him, there is no knowing me, ergo this will be our last meeting. I wish you the best.'

'Thank you for everything.' You gave a nod and left.

The woman watched you leave before looking again to the trinket in her hand. 'Why give a girl a bracelet implying she is your very heart only to cast her aside in such a manner as to have her resort to this?' She pondered aloud before placing it on a shelf.

You sat looking at the bottle, deciding if it was the right thing to do, but as his actions came to your mind again, you knew you had no choice, there was only one way to remain healthy and alive and never think of him again, you had to do this for you, nothing more. Tears formed in your eyes as you thought of the first time you had given him your body, and with it, he had taken your purity, as well as you taking his. It was awkward and clumsy, but you loved one another, and as it was a learning curve for the two of you, it was still special. He told you he loved you, he kissed you with a fervour you had never experienced with him before and when it ended, both of you stiff yet so satisfied, your love for one another all the more deepened by the experience. You thought then that no other man would know your love in such a manner, but so long as you felt as you did, you knew you could not know such love again. You felt you needed to be given the right to move on, the right to be loved, so you knew you had to do it. Thankfully, such thoughts had caused the tears to cascade from your eyes without you even realising. As soon as you put the open vial to your face, a tear went in, when you saw the clear liquid turn the same colour green as he loved so well, you cried more. It was as though it was willing you to drink it. You did so as quickly as you could, as soon as your head hit the pillow, you felt tired.

The next morning, you woke feeling fresh. Your head felt a little fuzzy, as though you had a few drinks but had not gotten drunk. Part of you knew there was something amiss, but with the sun beaming, all you could do was smile.

*

Loki felt exhausted. It was a long decade, but finally, he was finished with his army training. He had seen so many of the realms, the best and worst of everything and all he wanted was to go home and rest for a week.

He swallowed as he thought of you, he thought of how he was pulled away by duty, part of him wanted you to not feel as though you had to wait for him. He hoped you would forgive him for only leaving a letter, his father had sprung it on him, expecting him to try and weasel out of it. He felt you deserved to be told properly, but he was not given the chance to do that He regretted it as soon as he had left. It was three months before he was allowed send letters, as soon as he could, he did, apologising, saying he loved you, he would not be unfaithful, he would wait for his return to show you he was loyal.

You never returned his letters.

He walked through the streets of Asgard aimlessly. He had gone to your home, but it was no longer yours. When the door had opened and he saw a young child inside, his heart ceased beating for a moment, when a man stood facing him, he nearly fell to his knees, when he asked for you, the man shook his head and said he had not heard of you. That caused Loki to swallow, but retain some hope of finding you, so he set about doing so, convincing himself that that is why you never answered his letters, you simply had not known.

For over a month, he scoured everywhere he could think of looking for you, everyone seemed to not know you, and he began to wonder if he was losing his mind, he knew he had you, but the manner in which others spoke, it was as though no one else of those who made up those in his environment had even heard of you. After the month, with no sign of you anywhere, he decided to focus his attention elsewhere, believing that you would return to him sooner or later, he felt it.

He walked into the derelict looking shop and flashed his seidr to announce his arrival.

'Prince Loki, it has been a while.' The witch smiled, seeing one of her favourite customers again. 'I thought you had forgotten me.'

'Hela, I could never forget you.' Loki grinned. 'I have been away, my father demanded I serve, so I have spent ten years of my life forcibly away from those I love and with only time to write her a letter regarding it.' There was bitterness in his voice as he finished his sentence.

Hela looked at him with a raised brow. 'I see, so how may I assist you today?'

'I need a spell.'

'A Spell?' She looked at him in confusion. 'My Prince, I am concerned as to what sort of a spell you could wish to acquire from me, considering you are far more equipped with the books and scrolls you possess to do any spell you could require in the palace?'

'It is not something I can find there, I have checked.'

'Then what is it that even the great library of Asgard cannot find a spell for?'

'I need to find someone.'

'Someone that does not wish to be found?'

'I do not know.'

'Then surely the guardian should be who you seek.' She indicated to the Bifrost Bridge, towards where Heimdall would be found.

'I have tried.'

'Then the one you seek is truly hiding.'

'He does not know if he can find her because he has no idea which of the ten trillion souls he does see is hers.'

Hela cocked her head slightly. 'I see. Give me a moment.' She evaporated into thin air, leaving a somewhat angsty Loki waiting for her return, he looked around the shop as he did so, his eyes barely scanning over items as he did so, he thought nothing of the different items until a glint behind the counter caught his eye, focusing his gaze on something in particular, for a moment, he was unsure as to what he was looking at, but realisation came to him a moment later, and he jumped the counter to see it closer. He had barely put his hand on it when he felt Hela return. 'What are you doing?' She demanded.

'Where did you get this?' Loki held out the item in his hand.

'It was bartered.'

'By who, for what?'

Hela, who had been suspicious as to why she sensed him jump her counter, having sensed in with her own magic, realised Loki was not attempting to steal anything or do wrong and relaxed slightly. 'A woman, she needed a potion, she traded that for it.'

'What did she look like?'

'Shall we cease dancing around this bush and get to the point? She was the one you used to court, I recalled her here with you a few times.'

Loki looked at the bracelet again. 'She….What did she look for, what sort of potion? What need has she for potions?'

'A mind-altering one.' Loki looked to Hela in horror. 'One to rid her of agonising thoughts.'

'She….who hurt her?' Loki demanded.

'From the way she looked at that bracelet, the answer to that, I do not think you would want.'

'What are you saying, you said to speak directly.'

'You.' Hela stated. 'You are who hurt her.' She walked away from him and around a table. 'She came in here, not much shy of ten years ago, looking like she had been forced to endure a terrible fate, her heartache clear. She stated she "needed to live again".'

'What did you give her?'

'Exactly what she requested.'

Loki shook his head. 'No, I…You did not...'

'She has never returned in anger regarding the potion, so I assume it did as planned.'

'I did not….' Loki swallowed. 'Where is she?'

'I am Hela, not Heimdall, I cannot answer such a question. The spell you seek, it does not exist.'

'I will find her.'

'I do not think she would want to be found, not by you.'

'No one else remembers her.'

'They cannot, for with the potion to make her forget about you, there was a spell too. The spell was to expand the influence of it, to everyone she knew through you, and in turn, them her.'

'How can you remember her?'

Hela laughed, 'Do you think I would be subject to my own spell, no witch or seidr wielder worth their salt is never going to let their own spell affect them.'

'If it makes everyone forget her, why have I not…?'

'Because your magic is strong enough to fight mine, something of a daunting thought for me.' Hela conceded.

Loki said nothing more as he turned, throwing a gold and jewel-hilted dagger on the counter as he held up the bracelet and walked out of the shop.

'This is why I never sought a suiter, I never had this issue with my wolf.' Hela shook her head and turned to go to the back of her premises again, the dagger in her hand.

Loki sat in his rooms, staring at the trinket he had made for you, in it, was a lock of his own seidr, his very being, that he had given over to you, yet you had traded it as though it was worth nothing, to be rid of him. Had you read the letter and thought him playing you for a fool, he feared the worst, he feared that you assumed that he wanted to bed you, then after getting his fill, he wanted nothing more than to rid himself of you and used an excuse to do so. He thought of Hela's words, quoting that you "wanted to live again" he swallowed his pain at that, he felt as though his heart was crushed because it was clear his leaving had hurt you so deeply. He had to find you, he would, but he needed to think how.

Another year past, and in that year, there was no sign of you. Loki felt as though he would never find you, but he kept his hopes up, it was the only way to get through each day.

He, Thor and the warriors were riding through the city on their way back from dealing with an issue on the outskirts of the realm when they realised there was a form of a festival on. It was only when Fandral's eyes lit up, they realised it was a form of matchmaking festival. Thor and the others looked around at the festivities happily, but Loki could not. Love and displays of it did little to lighten his spirits, and as such, he found it depressing to watch them. His hand went to a hidden pocket inside his armour to retrieve the trinket so long discarded by you, but to his horror, it was not there. He tried his other pockets but to no avail. He began to panic, it was all he had left, he could not be without it. He looked around, frantically trying to think of where he had it last. He recalled touching it in his pocket as he entered through the gates of the city. Knowing that it would be quickly picked up, he turned his horse and pressed his feet into its sides as he rushed to see if he could find it without saying a word to Thor and the Warriors.

He trotted the horse through the streets, his eyes fixed on the ground around him when he got to the gates and there was no sign of it, he felt like sobbing.

'Are you looking for something?' He heard a voice ask.

'Yes, I am.'

'A bracelet?' He turned to look at the woman speaking, his voice lost and a random pained noise coming in its stead. 'I found this a few minutes ago, the green is the same colour as you are donning, so it makes sense it is yours.'

Loki found himself scarcely able to breathe as he looked down at you, smiling politely as you held out the bracelet. 'You…' he dismounted. 'You found it.'

'Yes, it was just dropped there, I knew if I waited here, the owner would retrace their steps.' You smiled for kindly.

'Of course you would find it.'

The manner in which he spoke was somewhat odd, causing you to stare at him. 'I...Do I know you?'

Loki's face became pained. 'You….you really don't remember me?'

'Remember?' You shook your head. 'Remember what?'

'When we...that we…?' You raised a brow as you looked him up and down before shaking your head. 'Us?'

'I think I would remember an "us".'

'We...you have to remember.' Loki stepped forward, placing his hands on your arms 'Please, my dove, I know about the potion, you have to remember.'

'You're scaring me.' You stated, eyes wide, shaking your head. 'I have no idea who you are, please, leave go of me.'

'You don't like telling people your favourite book, you are scared they will mock you, but it has been your favourite since you were a child, it is Midgardian. You like to sneak a dessert in the afternoon, before dinner. You prefer to wear more loud colours, but your mother always insisted on pastels.'

You went more and more pale as the strange man divulged more and more personal information about you. 'How….?'

'We loved each other, so much, you and I, but my father sent me away for military training, and you….you got a potion to forget about me, I don't know why, but you did, and now…'

'You are him.' Loki's felt himself fill with hope. 'The strange man that started sending me letters.'

Loki felt it sink inside him again. 'I…'

'I had to leave my home because of you.' She stated, taking a step back. 'The things you said, about us, being intimate...I don't even know you.'

Loki felt his heartbreak. 'You do, you know you do.'

'I have no idea who you are.' You declared as you threw the bracelet at him before turning and rushing away. 'Leave me alone.'

Loki caught the bracelet before dismounting his horse and running after you. 'Please, just two minutes, please.' He begged, but you kept going. 'And if you say to never bother you again, I will honour that wish.'

You ceased and waited, fearful to turn and look at him.

'My name is Loki, when we were children, I saw you being bullied by your cousin on the grounds of the palace. My brother and his friends used to bully me, so I felt an affinity towards you and assisted you, as best I could.' He chuckled slightly. 'I was not learning magic very long at that stage and my attempts to get him to simply trip up caused his legs to be bound together. Same overall effect I suppose.' You turned your head slightly to look at him. 'You thanked me and we began talking, and the rest, they say, is history.' you turned your body sideways. 'We kissed for the first time at my mother's three thousandth Name's Day. We were, by most people's accounts, too young for such things, six hundred is not really an appropriate age, according to the dull and the hypocrites, but when we first lay together...Norns, we were older, obviously, more mature, and it was so terribly awkward, I was too eager and lacked stamina.' You gave him a raised brow and a glance up and down. 'I did not leave you wanting, I can assure you. But that is not the point. We...how we felt...how we….how can you not remember?' Tears fell from his eyes. 'What...what possessed you to ask for such a thing?' He brought his hand to your face. 'My beautiful dove, I have not stopped loving you, I have not once faltered in my love of you. That decade was torturous, being away from you, not speaking with you. I have been looking for you since my return.'

'I don't even know you.' You looked sadly at the clearly upset man in front of you, not even realising your hand was on his as it lay pressed against your cheek. 'I cannot...you are saying I took something to forget, what was it I wanted to forget? That is scaring me. If everything was as wonderful as you say, why would I take it?'

Loki swallowed. 'I don't know. The day I left, I sent you a letter, explaining what was happening, I can only assume you did not want to wait, or that you thought that was me abandoning you, abandoning us, but we loved each other.' he looked at your doubtful face. 'I want you to take this.' He held the bracelet out. 'I had it made for you.' He put it on your hand. 'These charms, they were our favourite things to do together.'

'I can't take this.' you went to take it off.

'Please, I cannot bear to think of it not on your arm, it was made to be there.' He pleaded. 'I am at the palace, if you ever want to talk, if you ever remember, that is where you will find me. I will wait.'

'What if I do not remember this supposed past?' You asked fearfully, looking properly for the first time at a pair of rich green eyes.

'Then that is fate, and I must accept that. I want you to be happy.' He kissed your hand. 'I love you too much to see you be sad, my beautiful dove.'

'I...Why do you call me that?'

'That was my name for you.' He indicated to a charm on the bracelet of a bird. 'I called you that since the day we first kissed.' He smiled fondly at the memory.

Not knowing what possessed you, you leant forward and gently pressed your lips gently against his before pulling back, showing how shocked he was and turned away, walking down the street.

Loki returned to his horse, only to find his brother holding the reins, he said nothing as he mounted and then turned towards the palace, leaving a bewildered Thor in his wake, since he had not witnessed anything.

*

That night, as you slept, the bracelet on your wrist, you dreamt of the incredibly handsome man from that day. He was not what you had expected when you read that first letter that arrived at your door telling you how he would return as soon as he could, that he loved you and you were meant to be together. You recalled that letter, it had scared you, and the ones that followed, all possessing the same handwriting, saying things that were incredibly personal, yet you had no idea as to the sender. As you slept, the small gem on the bracelet that you had studied earlier but could not figure out glowed green, the same colour as Loki's seidr, which flared in his sleep in the palace as he dreamt of you. As it glowed, you recalled moments, flickering images that you had seen in your mind before, and thought to be dreams, but you had never realised were fragments of your past, shared with Loki, neither of you knowing that a spell, no matter how strong or how potent the potion, it has its limits, and true, pure love, is far more powerful than a trick to the mind.

In the house you once called home, the man Loki had spoken with cursed his daughter for shoving his wife's wedding ring between the floorboards behind the front door. As he pulled one up, he frowned. His wife's ring was there, on top of an envelope. He took out the letter and opened it, scanning it for a few moments, noting the sentences, a young man, apologising to the woman he loved, that he had to leave for a time, and to wear the ring on her finger, that he would marry her on his return, make her his queen. He looked inside the paper and sure enough, there was a beautiful ring with an inscription. "My Dove, My Heart".


End file.
